From Publishers Weekly
"No one is immune to the grip of anxiety, fear and shame—the ‘big three’ that muck up our lives," observes Lerner (The Dance of Deception; The Dance of Anger). But such emotions shouldn’t be crippling, she says. Instead, the psychologist and relationship expert suggests studying the pros and cons of these inevitable feelings. For example, anxiety over hurting a friend’s feelings can keep us from bluntly offering unsolicited advice, or, at the other extreme, keep us from speaking up about something we feel passionate about. In conversational and often witty prose, amply dotted with personal anecdotes, Lerner advises readers how to achieve a balance between healthy and life-consuming fears over rejection, public speaking, body image and physical suffering, among others. In a chapter devoted entirely to "Your Anxious Workplace," the author shares her pain on discovering that her co-workers considered her a "problem"—her personnel file was fat with complaints about her attitude toward paperwork and tense relationship with other psychologists. Breaking down the office "system," she realized that she was an "underfunctioning" part, adding stress and creating opportunities for "overfunctioning" staff to both save and resent her. To confront fears, Lerner suggests stepping back and taking responsibility, thoughtfully considering the issue and engaging rather than disconnecting with the surrounding world. Readers looking for a "quick fix" will not find it here (Lerner purposely sidesteps any oversimplified solutions to conquering fear); rather, they will find a mindful and highly readable meditation.Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


From AudioFile
The writer of many useful mental health guides says that anxiety, fear, and shame can paralyze us if we don't understand these feelings. But we can become unparalyzed by being proactive, speaking up, thinking positively, and being alert to negative feelings about the self that impose limitations and inhibit healthy interpersonal behavior. Negative emotions can be used to clarify our experiences and promote self-understanding. The key is not being on the defensive and developing more productive and self-affirming emotional patterns. Few guides to emotional functioning have the depth of understanding offered by this therapist, who seems as knowledgeable about the workings of the psyche as she is about formulating real-world coping strategies. T.W. © AudioFile 2005, Portland, Maine-- Copyright © AudioFile, Portland, Maine


Publishers Weekly
Conversational and often witty …. A mindful and highly readable meditation.


Library Journal
"With characteristic intimacy, Lerner encourages a dialog ... filling the book with superb insights.... "


Book Description

Unhappiness, says bestselling author Harriet Lerner, is fueled by three key emotions: anxiety, fear, and shame. They are the uninvited guests in our lives. When tragedy or hardship hits, they may become our constant companions.

Anxiety can wash over us like a tidal wave or operate as a silent thrum under the surface of our daily lives. With stories that are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking, Lerner takes us from "fear lite" to the most difficult lessons the universe sends us. We learn- How a man was "cured in a day" of the fear of rejection -- and what we can learn from his story

How the author overcame her dread of public speaking when her worst fears were realized

How to deal with the fear of not being good enough, and with the shame of feeling essentially flawed and inadequate

How to stay calm and clear in an anxious, crazy workplace

How to manage fear and despair when life sends a crash course in illness, vulnerability, and loss

How "positive thinking" helps -- and harms

How to be our best and bravest selves, even when we are terrified and have internalized the shaming messages of others

No one signs up for anxiety, fear, and shame, but we can’t avoid them either. As we learn to respond to these three key emotions in new ways, we can live more fully in the present and move into the future with courage, clarity, humor, and hope. Fear and Other Uninvited Guests shows us how.


About the Author
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation#146;s most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Unhappiness, says bestselling author Harriet Lerner, is fueled by three key emotions: anxiety, fear, and shame. They are the uninvited guests in our lives. When tragedy or hardship hits, they may become our constant companions. Anxiety can wash over us like a tidal wave or operate as a silent thrum under the surface of our daily lives. With stories that are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking, Lerner takes us from "fear lite" to the most difficult lessons the universe sends us. No one signs up for anxiety, fear, and shame, but we can't avoid them either. As we learn to respond to these three key emotions in new ways, we can live more fully in the present and move into the future with courage, clarity, humor, and hope. Fear and Other Uninvited Guests shows us how.

FROM THE CRITICS

Library Journal

Psychologist Lerner (The Dance of Anger) shrewdly characterizes fear, anxiety, and shame-termed the big three-as ubiquitous and permanent; instead of trying to make them go away, we need to embrace them warily as potentially wise guides. With characteristic intimacy, Lerner encourages a dialog of sorts with frequent, effective questions and anecdotes, filling the book with superb insights (e.g.,"Women have long been shamed for growing older"). Given Lerner's reasonable approach-and the connection she fosters and sustains with readers-it is easy to forget that she offers little how-to. Instead, she illuminates the big three's impact on important areas of life like change, sex drive, rejection, and illness. [Previewed in Prepub Alert, LJ 1/03.]

AudioFile