How does motherhood change you? Who or what do you become when you become a mother? "We can't begin to know what our children will evoke in us until we have them," says psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of the bestselling The Dance of Anger. Lerner set out to write a book on parenting, and ended up with a thoughtful and honest book focusing on the experience of being a mother--a woman's experiences, needs, and changes as she travels through the trials and pleasures of pregnancy, birth, power struggles, guilt, anxiety, relationship challenges, sibling struggles, and separation. Filled with personal stories and case studies, The Mother Dance offers mothers-to-be a guide for the road ahead, and women who are already mothers will recognize their own dilemmas and situations, and gain clarity about their experiences. Throughout, Lerner is wise, personal, and truthful about her own failings. This book is a welcome addition to the recent discourse on the mothering experience. --Ericka Lutz


From Library Journal
Lerner reads her own work on motherhood with mixed success. She may characterize motherhood as a dance, but what she describes is more of a rollercoaster ride. She shows parenting as a challenging, confusing, and, at times, exhilarating emotional mix of worry, guilt, and joy. As might be expected, she begins with the experience of pregnancy and ends with the empty-nest syndrome. Throughout, she illustrates her points with stories from bringing up her own two boys. She borrows from friends and others to show the unique relationships between mothers and daughters. Hers is not so much a guide for mothers-to-be as it is splendid reassurance for women in the thick of it. The only weakness is Lerner's measured reading pace. It is too slow and seems stilted?a marked contrast to the lively subject matter.?Jeanne Leader, Everett Community Coll. Lib., WACopyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.


From AudioFile
No one can guess the difference children will make in their lives until parenthood actually happens. Dr. Lerner went from being not the least bit maternal to falling furiously in love with her unborn baby. After he arrived, she, her husband and their marriage immediately changed in unimaginable ways. Lerner reads this text in a deliberate manner. The words are drawn out, and her Northeastern accent is distinct. Her sharp and precise consonants create clear, pleasant listening. Brief violin interludes bracket the sides of the tapes. A.G.H. (c) AudioFile, Portland, Maine


From Kirkus Reviews
A popular psychotherapist writes with grace and striking candor about what it is like to be a mother. Lerner (The Dance of Deception, 1993, etc.) has two sons, both now grown and out of the housebut still friends with their mother and father, and with each other. That is no small accomplishment, and while Lerner gives herself and her husband (also a psychologist) appropriate credit for what they did right, she also looks back regretfully on what she did wrong. ``Readers . . . [of] my other books may be surprised to learn that I can behave so badly with my own children,'' she writes, a confession that is designed to give comfort to every mother who suffers from hindsight guilt. Using anecdotes from her own experience and that of colleagues and friends, Lerner looks at issues of control (``we are not in control of what happens to our children''), at the decision to have children (``a leap of faith''), at how the reality of the baby in the bassinet at home affects the relationship with a spouse (it changes, not always for the worse, but it changes). She also describes the wild extremes of emotion that many new mothers entertain, from ``intense elation'' to murderous rage, and roller coasters of guilt and fear. A self-styled ``big worrier,'' Lerner also offers advice on how to finesse worrying, power struggles, and such common mothering traps as food, sex, dress codes, and raising sons to be ``mama's boys.'' How siblings develop relationships with each other and the intricate networks of extended families are other subjects she tackles. Entertaining and revealing. Lerner's committed readers will enjoy and perhaps be reconciled to their own parenting styles from this view of her as a mother who is sometimes irrational, sometimes wise, but who loves her children ``beyond words.'' -- Copyright ©1998, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.


Gloria Steimen
"Each chapter is worth the price of admission"


Thomas Moore,author of Care of The Soul
"One of the wisest ans most honest books on parenting I have read."

ANNOTATION

"...a look at what mothering feels like from the inside, demonstrating how kids are the best teacher's of life's most profound spiritual lessons...includes personal tales and vivid case studies."

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Writing from her dual perspective as psychologist and mother, Dr. Harriet Lerner puts the spotlight on how a woman is changed when she becomes a mother. Enlivened with personal tales and vivid case examples that run the gamut from the hilarious to the heart-wrenching. The Mother Dance spells out what happens to a woman when two become three ... and four. We see why her new life is so different from his - and how children inevitably help us to discover things about ourselves and our partners that we would otherwise never know. Lerner shows us how kids call on us to grow up and are the best teachers of life's most profound spiritual lessons. From birth to the empty nest, Lerner's own experience has taught her the basic lessons of motherhood: that we are not in control of what happens to our children; that most of what we worry about doesn't happen (though bad things happen that we fail to anticipate); and that our children will love us with all of our imperfections if we can do the same for them. Lerner helps us to distinguish what we can change (and how to do it), and when we need to surrender to the fact that our lives - and our children's - may not go as we expect or plan.

FROM THE CRITICS

San Francisco Chronicle

Lerner is a serious writer with a gift for translating scholarly ideas into books that hit a nerve with lay audiences. The Mother Dance is an engaging account of her parenting experiences that will leave many mothers chuckling with recognition. Lerner's reassuring tone and intelligent advice make her book a useful addition to any parent's bookshelf.

Library Journal

Lerner reads her own work on motherhood with mixed success. She may characterize motherhood as a dance, but what she describes is more of a rollercoaster ride. She shows parenting as a challenging, confusing, and, at times, exhilarating emotional mix of worry, guilt, and joy. As might be expected, she begins with the experience of pregnancy and ends with the empty-nest syndrome. Throughout, she illustrates her points with stories from bringing up her own two boys. She borrows from friends and others to show the unique relationships between mothers and daughters. Her's is not so much a guide for mothers-to-be as it is splendid reassurance for women in the thick of it. The only weakness is Lerner's measured reading pace. It is too slow and seems stilted--a marked contrast to the lively subject matter.--Jeanne Leader, Everett Community Coll. Lib., WA

AudioFile - Beth J. Long

Mother, author and psychologist Harriet Lerner authentically illustrates the many dilemmas of motherhood, citing personal anecdotes and experiences from her clientele. Suzanne Toren thoughtfully narrates this journey of feminine identity. Her conversant style acknowledges our quandaries from pregnancy to the empty nest. How will motherhood change our lives? Who or what do we become when we become mothers? The novelist's humor and commiseration enliven her discussions of women as mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, aunts and grandmothers, as well as career women. Toren animates our vulnerabilities in these paradoxical relationships. B.J.L. ￯﾿ﾽ AudioFile, Portland, Maine

AudioFile - Anita Goldman Horning

No one can guess the difference children will make in their lives until parenthood actually happens. Dr. Lerner went from being not the least bit maternal to falling furiously in love with her unborn baby. After he arrived, she, her husband and their marriage immediately changed in unimaginable ways. Lerner reads this text in a deliberate manner. The words are drawn out, and her Northeastern accent is distinct. Her sharp and precise consonants create clear, pleasant listening. Brief violin interludes bracket the sides of the tapes. A.G.H. ￯﾿ﾽ AudioFile, Portland, Maine

Clare McHugh - New Woman

The Mother Dance is the most reassuring, gutsy, and entertaining book about being a mother that I have ever read. A real tour de force!Read all 7 "From The Critics" >

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

Harriet Lerner pioneers on behalf of women's whole humanity. Each chapter in The Mother Dance is worth the price of admission. — Harper Collins - New Media

Here are the stories that your own mother might never have had the courage to tell you. Once you start reading you won't allow yourself to be interrupted from the unflinchingly honest revelations about the awesome power of being a mother. — Harper Collins - New Media

I couldn't put this book down. It comes the closest I've ever seen to fully articulating the dilemmas, insecurities, and the many great joys of motherhood. — Harper Collins - New Media

The Mother Dance is the most reassuring, gutsy, and entertaining book about being a mother that I have ever read. A real tour de force! — Harper Collins - New Media

In The Mother Dance, there are no mistakes in parenting - only learning experiences told with a great sense of humor. — Harper Collins - New Media

"Harriet Lerner pioneers on behalf of women's whole humanity. Each chapter in The Mother Dance is worth the price of admission." — Gloria Steinem

What a gift Harriet Lerner's work continues to be. I loved The Mother Dance; it's wonderful -- true, touching, practical, spiritual, sanity-saving, and I laughed out loud a number of times, with recognition, surprise, and gratitude. — Anne Lamott

"Harriet Lerner writes with charm, precision and at times unbearable honesty about what motherhood is. This book shows us the way." -- Author of Reviving Ophelia — Mary Pipher

Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

Lerner writes with charm, precision and at times almot unbearably honesty about what motherhood is. She's a mother, a therapist and a wise woman. This book shows us the way. — Author of Reviving Ophelia

Thomas Moore, Ph.D.