FROM OUR EDITORS

The Barnes & Noble Review
James Garbarino (coauthor of Lost Boys) and Claire Bedard tackle difficult parenting issues that are particularly salient at a time when parents and children are still reeling from the horror of the shootings at Columbine and other schools nationwide.

Parents Under Siege aims to help parents develop the skills necessary to counterbalance the effects of an environment the authors deem toxic to children. Their recommendations -- presented as tools in the metaphorical parenting toolbox -- include viewing your child and your role as a parent within a broader social context; always keeping a child's temperament in mind; and grounding your family life in a sense of spirituality and moral responsibility. Arguing both passionately and compassionately for each point, Garbarino and Bedard present an approach to child rearing that faces up to the realities of modern life but builds a strong foundation for children to fall back on when the pressures become too great to bear.

In addition to outlining the tools for more mindful parenting, the authors also debunk what they call the American Dream of Parenting -- that if you are a good parent who tries hard, you will have good kids. In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth, because, as the authors point out, "loving your kids is usually not the issue and often is not enough," and bad things befall the best of parents. Effectively driving this point home is the fact that the authors have come to know the parents of Columbine shooter Dylan Klebold, whom they describe as loving and attentive parents. Dylan Klebold is characterized as a "greatly beloved boy." This statement completely alters the way society has come to think of boys like Dylan and his accomplice, Eric Harris, because it opens up the possibility that any child, even the most loved and cared for, could still be capable of such a horrific act. By differentiating between parents' responsibility for the actions of their children and the assignment of blame, the authors alleviate the need for parents to be defensive, thereby encouraging a more open dialogue, which can only be in the best interests of children and society.

While the debate rages on about who should bear the blame for violence perpetrated by children -- parents, the media, and the schools being the usual targets -- this book focuses instead on what can be done to prevent it and how we can heal in the aftermath. It addresses issues that are of concern to every parent (even those who believe they know their child) but pays particular attention to the needs of children who "seem to volunteer for trouble, resisting everyone who tries to help and guide them." Garbarino and Bedard posit the idea that we need to cultivate compassion and empathy rather than assigning blame, and with this absorbing book, the authors themselves take the first step. (Karen Burns)

FROM THE PUBLISHER

In this powerful and practical book, Dr. James Garbarino, renowned author of Lost Boys, and child advocate Claire Bedard offer both a tough-minded, compassionate vision of why "bad things happen to good parents" and solutions for mothers and fathers who are ready to become stronger forces in their children's lives.

A handful of children make headlines by waging war against their schools and peers, but there are millions of troubled boys and girls who don't go to such extremes. All the same they make life hell for their families, not always intentionally and not because they are rebelling against parents who are neglectful or abusive. Why? Because parents are imperfect and some kids simply are hard to raise. Confidential surveys reveal that 20 percent of American parents say they have a child at home who is so difficult it is nearly impossible to lead a normal life.

Working hard and raising the kids in a good community aren't enough anymore; there are too many other influences. To regain control, parents must first see clearly the many forces at work both around their families and within themselves. Parents Under Siege advises parents how to become better observers of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors — a key to becoming more astute observers of their children's public and secret lives. The authors help parents to take a step back and examine their child-rearing practices. Do they teach confidence rather than fear? Do they create structure and authority within the family and align positively with outside authorities? Do they harness their greatest strength — the capacity for connection and spiritual growth?

Drawing upon their twenty-five years of experience in research with children of all ages and their families, and dozens of interviews with parents from across the country conducted specifically for this book — including the only face-to-face conversations with the parents of Columbine school shooter Dylan Klebold — the authors provide a realistic and sympathetic look at parenting in today's world. Parents Under Siege offers an imaginative "parenting toolbox" — deeply grounded and effective strategies that will help parents deal with difficult, even "impossible" children, find positive paths for development in face of the toughest challenges, provide alternate views to media violence and the Internet, and raise spiritually grounded children.

A must-read for all parents, Parents Under Siege offers practical, inspirational advice for cultivating the mindfulness and observational skills that great parenting demands.

FROM THE CRITICS

Publishers Weekly

Stories about violence perpetrated by children and adolescents make the front pages with disturbing regularity. What is less well known is that 10 percent of young people who commit homicides come from sound homes with functioning families. Garbarino and Bedard (coauthors, Lost Boys) probe the so-called "impossible" children those who go awry despite loving, supportive parents ranging from those who make daily life difficult to those who tragically commit murder. The authors combine research and interviews (including interviews with the parents of Dylan Klebold, the Columbine school shooter perhaps the most famous and tragic example of a "difficult" child from a stable home) with statistical analysis to present a startling picture of the changing culture of parenting in America. They offer the consolation that parents are not to blame when things go wrong, and provide some advice on how to intervene early enough to make a difference. Reaching no easy answers, the authors show how the interplay of personal temperament, family involvement and social pressures can create a recipe for children to become unhinged, secretive, disengaged and possibly violent. Though repetitive, dense and hard to follow at points, this book offers a sound theoretical starting point for parents grappling with a difficult child. It also lists many helpful resources, Web sites and groups, along with suggested further reading. Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.

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